What comes to mind when you see this image? I see the plates of steel, and the rivets. And, that it is covering the heart. It is protecting the heart. Nothing can hurt it.
Most if not all of my couples come in with their hearts armored to some extent, armored against their partner.
I see it clearly not because I can see their hearts, but I can see their behaviors. They sit with their arms crossed. They don’t look at their partner. Their words aren’t friendly. They may roll their eyes, or blame, or judge. They might not say anything but instead clam up. You might see these behaviors as contempt, or non engagement, or being avoidant or argumentative. I see it as armor. There might be tears, but along with the tears is a turning away of their body. Their heads are down, their eyes downcast. The armor is palpable.
And most likely, this armor is not present when a couple first comes together. They come together, they flirt, they banter, they have fun, they stare into each other’s eyes. Their hearts actively open towards each other. Their hearts open, their bodies open to each other, their thoughts become an open book. They feel they have found their heart’s desire. They merge into one. This stage of a relationship is magical.
I invite you to remember that time in your own relationship, that time of magic, of oneness, of openness, of invitation. Close your eyes and put yourself back in time. You have met your person. Your energy fizzes with excitement. It fizzes and it sparks and it draws your partner in, as you are drawn into them. You smile often. You smile and you laugh and you are happy, so happy. You have found your person and the future is bright.
And yet the armor goes up. Hurts happen, and disappointments, and betrayals. Hurts happen and maybe they are ignored, maybe you are ignored, and you sit crying or unhappy in your room with the door closed. You sit crying and unhappy in your bedroom and the door is closed and you feel your heart hardening against your partner. It’s obvious they don’t care about you! They don’t care about you and they assigned malice to you when it was not there and their words cut you to the core and they don’t care, they don’t care that you’re crying and unhappy in your room. Well, it’s their room too, you share a bed, but you obviously won’t be sharing a bed that night. And when you try to bring it up, you get vicious words back. You get vicious words back and your heart bleeds and you say to yourself, f*** them.
The first rivet hammers in.
And maybe that rivet can dissolve. Maybe the plates of steel can melt away. And they can. They dissolve and melt away when your hurts feel heard, held, valued, tended to, and healed by your partner.
But over time, if they aren’t healed and held, the plates become thicker and the rivets firmer. And that’s when many may call a couples counselor.
Let’s say that you’re a couple that calls me. You and your partner may have drifted into this space and realized it’s untenable, or at least, distressing. You don’t feel heard or cared for, and I predict that your partner feels the same. So you reach out to me and make an appointment.
At your appointment, I sense your armored hearts. I sense them and I see how you are with each other and I know what my job is. It is to support each of you to explore your armor, and its function. It is to support you to explore what’s behind the armor, and to express it in a way that can be heard. It is to support you to be curious about, and have compassion for, what’s going on in your partner’s heart. And, it’s my job to support you to not only receive, but also offer, healing.
A lot of times, we don’t actually want healing. There’s more power in anger than in vulnerability. We may have carried relationship wounds for so long, that the armor seems thick and impenetrable. To open up may feel much too risky. To offer or receive healing is not on the table.
One thing is very important here. Our armor is important. It protects us. I am not trying to get rid of your protection and your safety.
Only to soften it a little to see if healing is possible.
And this is also very important, what I am about to say. And it is this: healing is possible.
It is.
I see it every day in my practice.