I realize I’ve been holding my breath lately. I’m not usually even aware of this but for some reason am realizing it today. I’ve been holding my breath. As I walk, as I talk, as I work… the oxygen is not reaching my alveoli as it should.
The reason is not a mystery to me. It seems like the whole country, the world even, is holding its breath these days. These months. These next years. Our collective lungs and hearts are constricted as we see the constriction of basic human rights.
We see the constriction and we read and hear about the constriction and we experience it ourselves or through our beloved friends and family and we feel for others we don’t know. We’re watching and experiencing the whole mess unfold and feel perhaps helpless, and we do what we can. We go on marches and call our representatives, we reach out to our family and friends, we make donations. We do what we can and it doesn’t feel like enough, or maybe we’re overwhelmed and paralyzed, and we feel it in our bodies. We feel it in our bodies or maybe we’re detached from our body cues these days, the cues of constriction and stress.
I realize I’m getting twitchy and know that this won’t serve my clients well – I often use my own nervous system in session to help regulate my clients. But I also know a lot about what being in a state of chronic stress does to your body – and it’s not good. Let me tell you, it’s not good for your body and psyche and spirit. It just isn’t.
I know I need to take a deep breath. I need to take a deep breath, or maybe many of them, and calm my nervous system. I need to lower my cortisol levels and allow my body some rest.
I go find my partner. “Honey,” I say, “will you do some synchronized breathing with me?”
This is a skill I teach my couples – how to calm your own nervous system by using your partner’s. The official name for this is coregulation. Partners can help regulate each other, no matter their own state beforehand. I’ve seen it work in my sessions over and over again. I think of it as a super power that couples possess.
He has the time (it takes about five minutes), and so we head over to sit next to each other on the couch. I lay my head on his shoulder and he rests his head on mine and we wrap our arms around each other.
We start tuning into each other’s breathing. Without any words, one of us starts to follow the other’s breathing. He cues into mine and I feel his chest moving in unison with mine for a few minutes. Then, again without words, we switch and I follow his. My breathing rate becomes slower and I feel like I’m taking deeper inhalations as I match his. The last step is to synchronize our breaths with neither of us leading or following. I find us both slowing and relaxing. We slow and relax and rest as we breathe in together and out together. We breathe in and out for this moment and the next and I rest for this moment and the next, I rest and my breathing is deeper and my nervous system calms.
The world is the same but my nervous system calms. I know that everything will still be there when I lift my head and go about my day, but for this moment my nervous system is calm and my body is able to rest.
My nervous system is calm and my breathing is deep. We breathe together a few more minutes. I lift my head and kiss him in thanks, then notice my two cats.
They are entwined together and purring in unison.