Imagine this. You and your partner are waiting for your teletherapy couples counseling session to begin with me. You are sitting in your separate chairs in the kitchen, your computer open on the counter, waiting for me to start the Zoom meeting. As you wait, you nervously glance at your partner. The two of you had kind of a blowout fight the other night, where you both got really escalated and kind of mean. There was a lot of yelling and you’re still upset at the words your partner flung your way. You know this will all come up in the session and you are not looking forward to it.
In fact, your heart is pounding and there is a tightness in your throat and chest.
I begin the Zoom meeting and you poise yourself to give a rundown of the fight.
“Before we begin,” I say, “I’d like to take you through a brief mindfulness activity if that’s okay with you.” You both nod your heads. “I invite you to turn inward in whatever way works for you. You can close your eyes, or look downward, or something else that works.” You close your eyes.
“Pay attention to your breath for just a few breaths. Feel your feet on the floor and your body in the chair.
“And now I invite you to go into your heart. Enter your heart and feel around. What is the state of your heart at this moment?
“Is it feeling lonely, or connected? Does it have any fissures in it, fissures that might need some attention from yourself or your partner? Is it feeling any glimmers of brightness, or wounded areas?
“Maybe it’s radiating right now, radiating contentment and happiness. Or maybe it is a little constricted, feeling uncared for and bereft. Maybe it’s grieving a loss, or celebrating something. I invite you to just notice whatever it is with a little friendliness.”
There is silence for a few minutes.
“Now I invite you to try to enter your partner’s heart. What do you think is the internal landscape of your partner’s heart?
“Are there any fissures there, or wounds that need tending?
“Are there any glimmers of connection?
“What can you intuit about the state of your partner’s heart? Again, try and meet it with friendliness.”
Somehow, things have shifted within you during this guided survey of your hearts. Your own heart has stopped pounding, it has settled into a slow steady beat, and you can see clearly your own longing for repair. You see your own longing for repair, and when you enter into your partner’s heart, you see that longing reflected. And when you share your experiences, you find your partner had a similar experience, that the two of you have, in just a few minutes, stepped back from the tension of the fight and stepped forward into care for each other.
What is the state of your heart? What is the state of your partner’s heart? I invite you into a healing space of mutual care and attention.